learning a new dance

It seems like just last month that Angie moved from her "cottage" to an apartment in her senior living community.  That was a tough move, letting go of a place where she had grown comfortable. 

This week we had to move into the "memory care" center.  I think the hardest thing about all this is watching Angie's world continue to shrink.  She says to me "what causes my mind to do this?" then she will look at me and say "so I guess I am crazy?"  Heartbreaking questions.  Some have answers, some do not.   She knows she is where she needs to be for now to be safe. 

I feel like a mother worrying about her kid going off to college.  Is she ok?  Is she getting to the dining room?  Is she making some friends?   I hope everyone is treating her ok. 

I am learning new things everyday.  Things that are unbelievably hard.  Things that you can't prepare yourself for.  As a good friend just told me when I asked about any wisdom he could pass along from his experiences "it's a tough dance to teach..."   We have our tap shoes on. 

Members of the Moss National guard are arriving from the East and the West in strategically staggered shifts.  Mary Ann has outlined the plan of attack well.   Boots are officially on the ground with the arrival of Dottie last night.   Chris is the official errand runner and chef to the troops.   

In retrospect, the last move went easier than expected.  I hope to be able to look back 6 months from now and say the same thing about this move.  I will let you know when the Moss's have their "shuffle ball change" routines down and are ready to debut their prime-time tap dance extravaganza. 

Comments

[Debra Mason]

Thinking warm thoughts for the entire Moss family as they learn this new dance. It's a tough one to learn but via blogs I've seen the Moss clan demonstrate great strength and wit! Keep on keepin' on.

[SarahS]

Angie is so lucky to have all of you!

[Joan Clarke]

Oh boy! These transitions are tough on everyone. There is no playbook, no rules or Standard Operating Procedures. You are all on the same page when it comes to Angie, thank goodness for that! Easing into this stage will be helped by your great supportive family. Wishing you the very best and that the transitions are easy to bear.

[Nikki Gamon]

My grandmother had Alzheimer's. At her memorial service I spoke tearfully of the woman I lost to the disease. And then my mother got up and spoke beautifully of the new woman she came to know and cherish after the disease took hold. May God bless your family as you learn to cherish each other in this new dance.

[Janet Ghio]

Sending you good thoughts--such a difficult time for all of you

[Linda Watson]

I don't know what to say. My brother was the primary caregiver, in so many ways, I was a bystander. I could never, ever thank him enough.

Your family is amazing. I hold you in prayer, sending love from So Cal. (Not far from MAM) Some days you just do what's next and it's a blessing to do that.

[Rhonda H.]

My thoughts are with you all and your family, nice though that you can all come together and help Angie out. I hope through all this she retains the knowledge of how loved she is. It is truly something to be grateful for this Thanksgiving time. Take care Carol!

[Debbie]

Tomorrow will be 5 years since my Mom died...and we dealt with her memory loss for some years before that. I know how tough it can be...be sure to take care of YOU through all of this...it's great that the Moss brigade is arriving to help.
My best to all of you.
xo
Debbie
===^..^===

[Sharron]

Just hugs, sharron

[Judy H.]

Best wishes to all of you as you navigate these new waters.

[Vicki]

From my experience your are in the rough zone when one's mind is slipping and it is frustrating. I know it was so much easier when my mom no longer realized that she was confused. Of course she was still confused but she was no longer frustrated about it and just took things as they came. You and your sibs remind me of mine in that we all rallied together.

[cynthia]

sending hugs to everyone including a double hug for Angie.

[emie]

((((((HUGS)))))

[Heidi]

Such a challenging time for you all...so brave of you to honestly share with us. Hope the Moss National Guard is able to give aid and relief...and most of all love and hugs. Sending some extra your way to build up your arsenal.

[Vicki in Michigan]

This process strikes me as having huge similarity to parenting. Yesterday's solution doesn't work today, and today's may not work tomorrow.... Caregivers are kept dancing, trying to find something that works now and will work for (some part of) the future, while negotiating with a dependent person who may (or may not) understand any of our explanations as to why something is happening, or why something else needs to happen........

Elder care is much more difficult, I think. They so often remember being independent. They can't be picked up and moved as we work to refocus their attention. And, of course, the process is inevitably inward rather than outward.

Sending you all good vibes as you practice your dance moves, and scramble to learn new steps.

[Susie LaFond]

sending a cargo load of all things tender, caring and full of deep understanding, it's a good thing to rally the troops and keep the wagons circled around your sweet Miss Angie. You are all such a blessing to her and each other, even with those goofy, noisy tap shoes on, ;) that'll keep Angie on her toes (ha) can't wait to see the routine and on that note let me share a little story with ya, both my DD's have danced for 15 years and every year since they were about 7 one of the things the studio does every year is take our performance line to nursing homes and care centers in the area during December and the kids perform a short Christmas program, afterwards the kids go to each of the residents, give them a hug, shake a hand. A couple of the care centers have residents in memory care and they also attend and there is nothing sweeter when they light up from the inside out, someone always starts singing to whatever song is being performed (only 3 adults with the studio attend these events with the kids ) myself, i run the music, another Mom sings songs between costume changes and the dance instructor in charge) kids parents are not allowed to attend because they inevitable interfere with our well oil machine that keeps the kidlets in line, on their toes and being good citizens. Dance moms are far worse sometimes than 'sport dads'. Anyhoo, I'm always so impressed with how much light and joy our little group of kids brings to some of these folks, the nurses and care assistants. It is the one thing I cherish being a part of every year. A couple of years ago the girls costumes had large dangley sequins on them and they fell off quite frequently leaving what looked like quarters on the ground, one of the residents after the show got up and started gathering up all the dropped sequins and came over to me and said, 'here, the girls are loosing all of their change and this is a lot of money' and dumped a handful of them into my hand it was the cutest things I'd ever seen. Anyway, from what I've seen, is that there is an army of really good people out in the world, angels that help care for our dearest loved ones; when Angie is tucked into bed at night, I'm gonna bet that she has more than one guardian angel making sure her world circles at exactly the right speed for her. Thinking about all of you and keeping the light on. PS. I'm baking that pecan pie you shared a few weeks back, gonna be our Turkey day dessert. I know that once you've tested a recipe and shared the results that I know it's gonna be a hit. I make sure and give you all the proper credit and accolades and pay proper homage to the master chef. :)

[jeanette, mistress of longears]

Such a loving family….wish you all the best.

[Jane Bumar]

I can but share my experience of moving my Mom from regular assisted living to memory care, if it may be of any help to you. It felt very strange and alarming to me, seeing the residents who live there, who sometimes behave in unexpected ways. I felt like "my mom doesn't belong here, she's going to be frightened, I don't think this is the right thing to do." It turned out it was exactly the right thing to do. My mother became (and is) much happier (to my huge surprise) because she didn't have to worry about the concerns of daily life in any way anymore. She is free to be who she is now; she is surrounded by wonderful staff who care for her and don't judge her. She doesn't have to worry about missing meals because she forgot to come to dinner, or about what to wear, or what to do with her time, or what to do next. You are doing the right thing - but for the caregiver(s), it is definitely not a right feeling thing. Nobody else truly understands the journey you are on than those who are walking it too. We ourselves cannot truly understand the journey that our loved ones are on - thus we can but accept their reality, and make it as good and as comforting as we can. Sending you much love.

[Amy at love made my home]

I wish all of the Moss National Guard all the best.

I hope that this will raise a chuckle, it is meant only in that spirit. My hubby had the following conversation earlier today.

Other person - I've bought a chocolate cake to take with me.

Hubby - where?

Other person - away for Christmas.

Hubby - why?

Other person - well, it has chocolate on it, so I thought it would keep it fresher than christmas cake.

Not necessarily funny unless you know about Christmas cake - it will survive anything, christmas cake lasts longer than another known food as far as I can tell. It will last waaaayyy longer than a chocolate cake.

We had to laugh at the confused logic. Knowing that it needed to be kept fresh for christmas, understanding that, but not that chocolate cake will not last like christmas cake. Quite sad obviously, but we had to laugh to ourselves as otherwise we cry and get really upset!

I hope that all goes well for all concerned. xx

[Pamela.]

There are already many lovely and kind comments but I just want to add my best wishes. You are obviously a loving and close family and you have each other's backs. (I have been through this too and I understand). Big hugs to you all.

[Chrissy]

Best wishes to your wonderful Angie - and to the rest of your family. So caring, so inspiring. If only all the mothers we know could have the same attention!

[Loretta]

I know one thing for sure: Your beloved Mama Moss will never suffer a day from lack of love from her children. She is still the general rallying the troops and you surround her like a fierce army ready to defend her from adversity.

All my love to all of you. And please give her a little kiss on the cheek from Mrs. Pom.

[barbara]

Gentle thoughts this morning for the Moss Sisters and Sweet Angie.

[Jenny]

Angie is lucky to have you all. It is her reward of course for all the love and attention she obviously showered on all of you as you were growing up. How else would you understand how to give so much love and care back? Sending you all courage and strength for this long journey.

[Chris Oliveira]

Sending prayers and hugs to all of you. These are hard things. I can only echo what everyone else has said: you are a wonderful, loving family. Angie has taught all of you well. So happy for all of you that you are there for each other.