just to be sure I am not too close to the situation to see the facts clearly

In a few days it will be about 2 months since Angie moved out of her independent living apartment into the memory care unit.  I look back and it's hard to say where the time has gone. 

I remember thinking so clearly at the time how much Angie's world was shrinking.  Who could have known I would wish today to have back that diminished quality of life which would never have been acceptable on any day in a pre-dementia world.

On a daily basis I am never sure how I will find mom when I stop by.  As I walk in from the car I prepare myself with a pep talk and I make eye contact with the other visitors I see coming and going.   My fellow caretakers.  I see their lips moving too as they walk by.   This work is not for the faint of heart.

I am learning to spend time with Angie in different ways.  I have become her full time hair stylist and manicurist.   I do my best and she tries to overlook it when I slip with the curling iron.  I tell her there is a price to pay for beauty and we laugh.  Mostly we just sit together.  She asks me what she needs to do now and I tell her "just this".  I tell her it's the time of day when we don't have to worry anymore.  She smiles and says "oh thank you Carol".  Then 5 minutes later we go through it all again.  

The inability to predict how things will continue to progress is keeping me on my toes.  Angie has had another small stroke, she's fallen, had a touch of pneumonia, and some worsening of her heart failure.  With all that I still don't think she meets the qualifications for hospice but I am very close to setting up an informational visit with an agency just to be sure I am not too close to the situation to see the facts clearly.  

We'll keep you posted.

Comments

[linda]

My heart goes out to you and your family. Even when this is something that you are able to help other families through, it's still different when it touches yours. Be sure to savor every moment, appreciate your family support and be gentle with yourself. Enjoy the repetition of saying the same things over and over, because it's only for now. These are the same things I tell myself. Take good care. Enjoy your art retreat!!

[Colleen]

I am so sorry your family is going through this. Angie is a sweetheart and so lucky to have you nearby. The art retreat will do wonders for you, and you'll be able to return with a fresh set of eyes. Hugs.

[cat]

It cannot be easy. Peace to you.

[Diamond Cloud Studio]

Carol, my mom is so much further along in this horrible illness and she is still at home with my dad. You are so blest to have the care you do for your mom. xoxoxo Julie

[Amy at love made my home]

My heart goes out to you Carol and to Angie. Thank you for writing about this so bravely. Sorry, but I don't know what else to say. Thinking of you and praying for you. xxxx

[Vicki in Michigan]

Sending good thoughts to all of you as you make this impossible (yet inescapable) journey.

"It's the time of day when we don't have to worry anymore" -- I love this thought, and I particularly love these words. I hope I can remember them when I need them most.

[Janet Ghio]

thank you for sharing your story with Angie

[Megan]

Thinking and praying for you, your mom and your family.

[Caroline]

Mother once asked me many times in a row if she had been married and if she had any children, each time surprised at the answers. I finally asked to be excused for a minute and when I came back we were able to "talk" about something else.
I would go ahead and call Hospice. It is good to meet with them before they become your best friend ever.

[Sue]

Sending hugs and prayers for you, your mom and your family.

[KateinCleveland]

Carol, much love to you and your family. My folks both passed away earlier in life, so, this is a path I've never walked. But, my father died of cancer and wanted to be in his own home when he passed. We spent many days sitting bedside (with Hospice) until he took his last breath. It is a huge gift to our parents, to be able to do for them as the end of their lives near. I look back and feel honored that I was able to fulfill his final wishes and be there. As hard as it is now, eventually you will too.

[Jan]

Carol, my thoughts are with you and Angie. This is tough. No getting around it. Take care of yourself. The art retreat is coming at a good time.

[Maureen]

"oh thank you Carol" This just about broke my heart.

It took me back (way back in 1981) when my 61 yo mother was dying of cancer and the hospital drs said I had to tell her. She kept saying "they'll find out what's wrong with me..."even tho she'd had surgery, chemo, etc. When I told her, she said.."Really, honey?" and after a pause, said "I want to go home."
We went home for her last week.

Go play this weekend and cry amidst the joy. Paint out your feelings! You & MaryAnn have given us the blessing of knowing Angie just as she is. TY.

[Joanne]

Good thoughts and hugs go out to you, Angie and your family.....so painful but you handle it with such grace and humor.

[Julie]

I only have admiration for you as you consistently show up for Angie. Like Caroline, I would wholeheartedly support your contacting hospice. They have so much to offer and even if it is not yet time for them to become involved, it will be good to have made the contact and for them to be aware of the circumstance. Just knowing what they can offer will likely give you an additional lifeline to hold on to as you continue to navigate this challenging time.

Enjoy the relaxation and laughter as you retreat this weekend...soak it up! :)

All of you continue to be in my prayers.

[Leslie]

Hi Carol, I helped care for my dad for seven years after the horrible after-affects from a hemorrhagic stroke. It was very hard each day I saw him not knowing how I was going to find him in the last several years, especially the last six months. All this time together means so much, even just the little things. He would brag to hospice care staff that his daughter cut his hair and trimmed his nails. It was just so precious and I realized how much it meant to us both. Those small things meant so much to him, like he was winning the lottery each time I did those things. His hands were clenched closed from the stroke, and when I was able to gently open them enough to wash them he was over the moon with happiness. The simple pleasure of having someone take care of you. I still remember that the most. How much he loved having his hands washed. He could not do it himself anymore and I never really realized how much he probably missed doing that for himself. That loss of independence is terrible. He passed away recently and I still miss washing his hands, trimming his nails and cutting his hair. I wish now I would have kept a lock of his hair one of those times, but I will forever treasure those moments together. Savor the moments.

[Heidi]

So tender are your words and actions with your dear mom...so strong your heart. Love to everyone.

[Sheree]

I lost both my parents within 18months. Please make the most of the time you have left with her and tell her every time how much you love her. It will really help you. Relax and enjoy your retreat, you so deserve it. Very best wishes to you.

[Leslie J. Moran]

You are doing such a great job. When I went through this, I devised a game of never answering THE SAME...and it's always the same question, with the same answer. That will give you a challenge and briefly send the conversation in another direction. I can still hear the questions....that's all you need right now. Indeed.

[GailNHB]

Thinking about you, your mom, your sister, your husband and everybody else who is walking this journey with you and Angie. I pray that you will have the wisdom to make the right decisions when necessary and the love to sit patiently and repeat those conversations over and over. Peace be with you, deep peace.

[Joan Clarke]

I would definitely call Hospice, they'll assess the situation and help you to know when the time is right. My heart goes out to you, Mary Ann, Dottie, your brother, and Chris. This is not easy for anyone.
But you have the assurance that you've done all that can be done, that you are there for her in every way, that has to be of some comfort.
I hope you have a wonderful art filled retreat with so much laughter it makes your face hurt. Nothing like good company and a good folic.

[barbara]

I love when you share Angie's story. She is so lucky to have you nearby. WE are all lucky to have met Angie and your wonderful family. I have just returned from a few weeks with my parents, and my father is in Hospice. You were right, when I asked you for advice, they did indeed know the questions before we asked them. Since contacting them, he has had another fall and is now bedridden. The time is drawing near. I am returning next week for the final stages, to be with sister and the rest of my family. The Moss family is never far from my thoughts. How right you are, Carol, not for the faint of heart.

[Susie LaFond]

Oh sweet sweet Carol I will keep the light on in my heart for you, Angie, Mary Ann and all those in your family...I'm familiar with 'letting each day play itself out as it will' and keeping myself open to what that might mean...I remember what visiting my Mom was like in her last year and all of the conversations I had with my siblings and all the moments, especially the small ones, the ones that felt the most insignificant being the ones I still cherish the most...in a word or two its hard but I know Angie is in very good hands and you've got a whole host of peeps ready to jump in and throw a rope if you should need one xoxo

[Anne]

Angie looks beautiful, and the light in her eyes shows that she knows she's safe. What a gift.

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

[Laurel Bianco]

Carol,I just want to tell you that I think you take the most breathtaking pictures. Your pictures of your dear mother are such treasures. To see her with her great-granddaughter brought tears to my eyes, and the pictures with you and your siblings are to say the least, amazing.
That being said I was wondering if you would'nt mind telling me what kind of camera you use? I just told my Dad last week how I feel I am wasting my time with my camera that I am missing times that I will never get back. Now seeing these pictures of dear, sweet, Angie it all becomes so clear to me. I must capture the memories now. Thank you and please know I think you are brave, and kind, and good.(and funny).God Bless you on this journey with your mom. You are an inspiration.