Tall Tales from Kansas

I can't make this stuff up

Just about every single plastic container that I own has a "C" written on it.   For some reason Angie wanted to be certain that my containers did not get mixed up with anyone else's containers.  As far as I know there was never anyone else bringing her left-overs in plastic containers, but she persisted in making the "C" no matter what I said about not needing to. 

Once when we went to eat at my brother-in-law's house, my sister-in-law packed up a nice plate of leftovers for Angie.  I dropped it off at her house on the way home.  The next morning I called to tell her the container was not mine so don't put a "C" on it.  Mom said "oh, ok".  When I picked up the containers later, sure enough, there was a "C" on it, but she had done her best to cover it up ... with white-out. 

I can't make this stuff up. 

because it was on our table when we were kids

If you thought that with everything that has been going on around here I didn't get my heart garland hung up... well, you would be wrong. 

I also went and got this lovely pink kalanchoe to put on the table under it.   An extra punch of pink was needed to tie the garland to the table somehow.  

The plant will serve as a place holder until the farmers market opens in March and I can begin to purchase a weekly bouquet to support the local flower growers.  When that happens the kalanchoe will move to it's rightful place on the front porch where it will reside next to the geraniums.  

A decorater might say the blush of pink embroidery on the tablecloth adds the perfect finishing touch to the tableau.  I used it because it was on our table when we were kids.  

my body is tired but my heart is full

As I look back over the last months of Angie's life I am MOST grateful that all of us kids got to spend time with her. 

Even though we could not predict how much time she had we all recognized that it was short.

I do wish that we had gotten hospice involved earlier than 9 days before her death.   In the last weeks I finally could see the stair step pattern of continued decline with her never recovering to what had aready been a diminished quality of life.   I wonder with the help of hospice if we could have gotten a better handle on her anxiety and restlessness. 

Please forgive my rudimentary drawing below, but I use it because it illustrates a good point.  Angie lived in a cottage independently for almost 10 years when she moved to Kansas.  By March of 2013 she was using a walker, no longer drove, had fallen several times, had reluctantly let me take over the bill paying, and had trouble with tasks like using the microwave.  These things prompted the move out of the cottage and into an apartment where she still remained independent with a lot of support in taking medications, phone calls to check on her and remind her to eat, laundry services etc...

In November there was a big decline in her functional status and she could no longer live alone.  I think she had a stroke but can not be sure because we had decided no more testing and hospitalizations.  There was no point if she could not get better.  From the time she moved into the care center her quality of life steadily declined - this was through no fault of the care center staff.  I have nothing but good things to say about how they cared for my mom and did their best to keep her functional.  Her body was just shutting down.  As I look at the chart above it's abundantly clear that I should have called hospice right when she moved in.  

BUT, hindsight as they say is 20/20.  We did the very best we could, and that is all you can do.  Overall I have no regrets.   Mom and I spent a lot of time together in the last 3 months of her life.  We said "I love you" a LOT. 

When I look back on this time together my body is tired but my heart is full. 

 

the angie re-runs #1 - don't be funny carol, I mean it

I just went through all the "Angie posts" from the last several years.  I am going to be re-running a few of them in the coming weeks.  This one seemed perfect for today. It ran originally on June 22, 2012 right before I was leaving for Norway.  

Angie gets on high alert mode when anyone in the family is traveling.  She worries about each and every possible bad thing that could happen and is convinced if she does not hear from the traveler within a very short time of their arrival in the appointed destination... it means REALLY BAD STUFF has happened!  

No amount of reassurance that all is well will suffice.  She must KNOW they are ok.  I have been known to get impatient with her when she does this.  Then she has to go and make me feel bad by calling me and saying: 

 

Angie:  I miss you already.

Me:  Mom, I'm not leaving until the 28th.

Angie:  I know, but I am really going to miss you.  I wish you were here right now.

Me:  I will send you a picture and you can tape it on the lamp by your bed.

Angie:  Ha, ha, ha.  Don't be funny Carol, I mean it.  

 

 

murmuring words of comfort

Today at 5:30am Maria Angelina "Angie" Vela Moss departed this world to parts unknown.   I am fairly certain she has given up the house-dresses and is once again attired in pedal pushers and color block sweaters. 

Over the last week we spent many hours together.  Her wondering if she was ok.  Me reassuring her that everything was just as it should be and there was nothing to do.  Aside from providing good mouth care and making sure your family is getting enough medicine to keep them restful, murmuring words of comfort are the most important thing a family member can do. 

This morning as I packed up her room I overheard a staff member asking a newly admitted patient where her shoes were.  She said "my boys didn't pack them, I guess I don't have any."  At that point I just happened to be thinking about what to do with the latest shoes I had bought for Angie that she never got to wear.  You can bet I dashed out to the hall and in my best shoe salesman voice asked what she thought of them.   She exclaimed that they looked just like some she had and they were on her feet in about 15 seconds.  Perfect fit.  She did not seem to mind one bit that they had Angie Moss written in silver sharpie on the sides of the heels. 

If you don't believe Angie had a hand in the timing of this it's only because you don't know how much Angie loved being able to help someone in need. 

I have more useful things to tell you in the days to come about our end of life experience but right now I need to just sit and (as Joyce told me) grieve unabashedly.  Good advice. 

 

 

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learning a new dance

power naps and a pease porridge hot competition

the arrival of the extraterrestrial space ships

On Dottie's last evening in Kansas (before heading back to sunny Albuquerque) we went our for dinner in downtown Lawrence.  The lights are still up on Massachusetts street and it was a lovely night to be out.  

We went to Merchants Pub and Plate.   Should you decide to follow in our footsteps, we have taken all the guesswork out of the ordering process for you.  If you select exactly what we did you will NOT go wrong.  Start with a glass of wine (they have lots to choose from by the glass).  As a starter we had Sweet Potato & Quinoa Pan Fritters, followed by the Pumpkin Agnolotti for me and the Kale and White Bean Griddle cakes for Dottie. 

The pan fritters were topped with smoked pistacho chutney.  The pumpkin agnolotti was lovingly dressed with a maple brandy butter, and the griddle cakes were served with a tomatillo chow-chow that knocked my socks off it was so delicious.  Whoever is cooking in the kitchen there knows what flavors and textures go together and is a wizard with the sauces/toppings. 

Ask for a window seat if possible and while you are enjoying your coffee at the end of the meal you can look out and see the arrival of the extraterrestrial space ships that may or may not be coming to take you to their leader. 

as if the browned butter wasn't enough

This past weekend I did a bad, bad, thing. 

It involved browned butter, marcona almonds, parchment paper, and an 8x8 pan. 

Plus a knife and the red cutting board.

Did I mention it was all Joy the Baker's fault?  As if the browned butter wasn't enough she had to go and show me marcona almonds, which I had never baked with before. 

That salty sweet combination of the chocolate chips and the almonds combined with the rich brown sugar blonde brownie is drop dead delicious.  Close your eyes and moan with pleasure goodness. 

I left a few out for Dottie and Chris, then dutifully wrapped the remainder in plastic and placed them in a container.  I hid them from myself in the recesses of the freezer.   With any luck, I will not be able to find them and when my next wave of out of town guests come I will be able to offer them a sweet treat.  That's the plan anyway.  

wondering what she is dreaming about

Every once in awhile someone in my knitting group gets a wild hair and says "hey let's do this as a class project".   Then we all go crazy throwing out helpful suggestions on the best color combinations based on our individual attributes. 

I got extremely creative and used the exact colors shown on the pattern.   There was a sample in the shop and the color combination is what drew me to the project in the first place.  No brainer.

Here is a link to the aranami shawl pattern if you want to join in the fun.  Can I just say how much I love Ravelry?  What did we do before they came into being and we wanted a pattern?   

I am swiftly moving through my colors.  Done with the cream, only one more triangle to do in the oatmeal, then it's on to the light gray.  Ths is a pretty easy pattern to follow once you get the hang of it. 

Knitting is a good thing to occupy the mind while mom is resting and I am sitting, watching, wondering what she is dreaming about.  Hoping it's something very dear.  

how good it feels to be able to be a daughter

Today for the first time in many weeks I had a Sunday where I did not leave the house.  Dottie was spending time with mom so I was "off duty". 

Chris made breakfast for us.  I sat on the couch and stared at the fire and out the window.  

I read for awhile and took a long afternoon nap.  About 4pm I decided I needed to take a shower and get out of my pajamas.  

Even when I know Angie is in good hands she is not far from my mind.   On Friday we met with Crossroads Hospice and she is now under their care.   Someone came to see her on Saturday and had to come out tonight to see her as well.  I told Dottie no less than 4 times in the last hour how relieved I am that they are involved in her care.   I can not tell you how good it feels to be able to be a daughter and let someone else figure out what might be causing her symptoms and work on a solution.   

 

when it comes to pink winter apparel

As spokespeople go, Tiger Woods cuts a dashing figure for Nike.  But Allie Grace could absolutely replace him anytime as far as I am concerned.

Especially when it comes to pink winter apparel. 

 

 

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Allie Grace Moss

Be Mine

Fancy red roses and deluxe chocolates are nice, but nothing says Happy Valentine's Day like a good conversation heart.   What's better than an orange "Be Mine" heart waiting by your toothbrush when you get up on February 14th? 

a little less rocky, a little more peaceful

Angie has hit a bit of a rough patch on this road that is slowly leading to her death.    I would give anything to take her off this route and put her on one that does not include falls, bumps, bruises, skin tears, anxiety, restlessness, and now pneumonia.  

I want to put her on the route that is a little less rocky, a little more peaceful.   But we are shouldering through it, trying remedies till we find one that works.   Dottie flew back to Kansas last night to be with mom.  So far, that loving, familiar presence at the bedside has helped Angie the most.

The hardest thing for me is not being able to predict if this is something she will recover from or if we have only days to weeks left.  I have seen countless families struggle with this and I tell myself what I tell them... there is just no way of knowing. 

 

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just to be sure I am not too close to the situation to see the facts clearly

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angie gives the shrimp pasta the "thumbs up"

individual strings of Valentine goodness

Yesterday I dug out scraps of paper and commenced to cutting out hearts.

Old wallpaper hearts, old ledger paper hearts, scrap paper from the art retreat hearts (thanks Pam! you knew I would put that to good use didn't you?), and hearts from anything at all in the closet that looked like Valentine material.

I then hauled out the beast and threaded it with the prettiest pink thread I could find...

...sewed those hearts right down the middle as quick as I could...

...and made some of these.

All that's left now is to artfully arrange the individual strings of Valentine goodness into some spectacular looking over the dining room table garland.   By tomorrow night I hope to be hit with a shot of divine inspiration to guide the installation. 

WHO put this garland away all tangled up?

Today I finally turned the page from January to February in my calendar.  Which reminded me it's time to get out the Valentine decor.   What I want to know is WHO put this garland away all tangled up?

I lined up the dining room chairs and strung the garland out as I released the knots.  I told myself "patience is virtue" over and over as I fought the urge to cut it all apart and re-string it.  

After all, it's snowing out again today so I had nothing better to do. 

I am going to make another strand of hearts to add to this before I hang it.  Just to freshen it up a bit you know.  I have some great scraps from the art retreat that are just begging to be made into some kind of Valentine finery.    

no one does the Holy Grail like Monty Python

I usually only tell you about books that I really enjoyed but since I mentioned I was reading The Quest, I figured I would weigh in on it's merits.  There weren't many. 

If you are going to read Nelson DeMille, I am going to recommend the John Corey series:  Plum Island, The Lion's Game, Night Fall.... there are more but I can't remember them all.  I am looking forward to reading The Panther which is the latest in the series.   

The Quest is a re-write from an earlier publication and maybe I would have liked the shorter version better.   The dialogue felt pretententiously dramatic to me and the relationship between the 3 main characters seemed unlikely.  That said, I did listen to all 16 CD's.  I might not have if I would have had something else to listen to in the car.  The concept of a search for the Holy Grail in Ethiopia was interesting,  but no one does the Holy Grail like Monty Python.  I'll just leave it at that. 

a small gift that I am grateful for

Angie and I have embarked on a new phase in our relationship.  The one where I cut her hair while she tells me how she cut bubble gum out of my hair in the "good old days."  I tried to buy a proper pair of hair cutting shears and a cape today but struck out at Beauty Brands.   We made do.  

Just to be clear, I am not a "hair-cutter".  But I did pay very close attention to what Jami was doing when she cut my hair this past Saturday.  I assured mom it was going to be an adventure, she assured me she was up for it.

I am actually making some gains in my attempts to meet all of Angie's coiffure needs.  Today I did not get any water on her clothes, OR on the floor when I washed her hair as she stood over the sink in the bathroom. 

Overall, I gave myself a C+ on haircut #1.  I will do some re-shaping when I wash it next.  In terms of therapeutic value though, the hair wash / cut / curl / style gets an A.  Mom loves having her hair worked on and is always in a trance and ready for a nap when I am done. 

In days gone by I would never have considered cutting mom's hair.  She has always been very particular about it.  Today I did not even bat an eye when I started snipping away with my embroidery scissors.  Neither did Angie.   I think if I told her I was going to do open heart surgery on her she would say "ok Carol, whatever you think."  This trust is a change that has come about in the last 4 months.  A small gift that I am grateful for. 

 

 

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she promised to read another story tonight so she can tell us about it tomorrow

I am all about rewards

Last night I came home to a shoveled driveway and home-made beef and noodles over mashed potatoes.   Pretty nice way to end my snow sleep-over at the Holiday Inn Express.  This morning I see that my deck out back has been taken over by a giant snow drift. 

I am going to shovel every bit of that snow off this afternoon in case the snow predicted for this weekend materializes.  I have used my calculator to compute the number of calories I will burn by exerting myself in this manner and have concluded that I will be able to have 2 helpings of chocolate eclair cake today as my reward.  I am all about rewards. 

P.S.  thanks for the comments on the socks I was wearing at the hotel.  I did knit those several years ago.  That is a Kaffe Fasset sock yarn and I am not sure if it's still available.  They are warm and have held up really well.  

no freaking is allowed

The snow started early this morning and continued throughout the day. It was deserted on the am drive and it looked like a ghost town this pm as I left work.

Instead of slip-sliding all the way home tonight and white-knuckling it through the unplowed neighborhood streets I walked across the street and checked myself right into a hotel. I am getting a lot smarter as I get older.

I am all settled in and about to heat up my creamy tomato soup. Then it will be NCIS and knitting for the rest of the night. Can you imagine anything more exciting? Me neither!

I hope the photos in this post are not sideways when they appear on Typepad tonight. Sometimes that happens when I post from my iPad. It's a little test to see if I will freak out. Not tonight.... on a snowy night when I am all snug in my room no freaking is allowed.

exploring to find what seems instinctively right for me

Every afternoon or evening you can find me upstairs.  Determined not to be stymied by the curves and swirls of the alphabet; the lettering practice continues. 

In addition to writing my own name,  I have moved on to the names of friends and acquaintances.  I have a special affinity for N's and W's.  Luckily one of my Quail friends has a name that contains both letters. 

Samples are essential.  I am constantly referring to my books.  I need one of those borders of cursive letters that used to hang over the chalkboard in every classroom when I was in school.  

In addition to the oblique holder I started with, I now have a regular one.   I also bought more nibs and inks.   Exploring to find what seems instinctively right for me.   

When I was signing checks on Sunday I had this fleeting thought that the bank was probably going to think someone had comandeered my checkbook.   I have been writing my name so much that my normal (extremely messy) signature looks like it was written by a neat and tidy person. 

very likely the reason the 9x13 pan was invented

Because it is cold.  Because it is gray.  Because it is Super Bowl Sunday and Groundhog day... I got out the 9x13 pan today.   And in this pan I prepared a chocolate eclair cake.   We watched a re-run of America's Test Kitchen the other night and I simply could not get it out of my mind.

Chris and I closed our eyes in unison on the first bite and uttered sounds of delight.  We then agreed that this was very likely the reason the 9x13 pan was invented.   The creamy mild vanilla combined with the soft graham crackers and chocolate was not overly sweet.  Mildly reminiscent of a boston cream pie.  This one will definitely be repeated at our house. 

this does not induce going outside

I am so ready to go outside and cut some flowers.   Even just one teeny tiny little baby rose would do.   Or some end-of-the-season zinnias.  Maybe just one early morning bearded iris?

Every year about this time I start counting down the days until the snow is done and I can go outside in the morning with my coffee to look in the flower beds and see what is coming up.   For now I have this outside my door.

This does not induce going outside.  It makes me want to stay in my pajamas for a good portion of the day and knit.  Which is exactly what I did today.