I have no answer

This is another COVID story. It's a hard one. Don't read it if you can't take another single bit of sadness right now. The thing is, these losses matter. Whenever I hear or read about someone thinking the number of deaths related to COVID are inflated, or the virus "isn't real", I am compelled to share what IS happening. 

At the end of January, I told you about a young brother and sister in our hospital. Twenty six and twenty nine. At that time one was on a ventilator and the other soon to be. Their mother dead as well from COVID, though these 2 children didn't yet know it.

These siblings have had all the complications we are seeing with COVID patients. In addition to the devastating lung injuries, they have had gastrointestinal bleeding, kidney issues, and blood clots.  They have both received every therapy for COVID we have to offer. Despite all of this, one died last week. 

While they have been hospitalized my mind has wondered if it was possible that these 2 souls could be communicating with each other. Siblings, dying, several rooms apart, no family here in person. I know it's the stuff that movies are made of, but I want to believe somehow that there IS a connection. That they are supporting each other, that their mom is whispering words of comfort to them from wherever she is.

Meanwhile, the sibling who remained in ICU, on the ventilator, continued to have oxygen saturation levels dipping into the 20's and 30's. Sometimes with coughing, sometimes for no apparent reason, this means the nurses race into the room, disconnect the ventilator, "bag" her until the sats climb back into an acceptable range, then back on the ventilator until the next episode. Her body keeps trying to die. Her family holds on to hope. Her lungs so damaged from the virus. 

Then one morning this week, I pull up the list of patients on my service, and see she died overnight. The one grace in all of it, is that 6 members of her family were able to come and see her before they removed her from life support. 

The prolonged suffering of this family as they held on for all they were worth was so painful. Would it have been better if the mom and her two children had all died at once? Which suffering would be "easier" to bear? It is not a lie to tell you that I let out a long sigh when I saw she had died. Is it my suffering I wanted to end? Was it my desire to see the suffering of the family stop? There comes a point when you know someone is just not going to make it. You gently tell family you are "worried" they will not get better. They ask "isn't there any other medicine you can use?" 

Since 1981 I have been taking care of people who are dying, comforting families, managing symptoms, this is unlike any previous experience. How can one make meaning out of this? What is the lesson, the legacy? I have no answer.

P.S. this post is not meant to reflect on me in any way, please don't comment about the work I am doing. this is about the people who are sick and dying. if you want to comment, please add your "story" about the losses you have seen/experienced.

P.P.S. thank you.

I saw the poster below hanging up in the hospital a week or so ago. I couldn't resist posting it. I love a clever sign maker.

 

Comments

[Michele Perrin]

I love that poster. Back in March I stumbled on Freddie Mercury's (Queen's) song "Keep Yourself Alive" and it has become my go-to music whenever I need a quarantine boost. What a great way to end your post.

[Daisy]

Thank You.

[Janet Ghio]

These are important stories to be shared. Thank you for sharing them and for all the work you and everyone who works in the hospital do.

[Emie]

Profound emotions which caused me to do a lot of soul searching. There is so much to say but I'll leave it at this... to some questions there are simply no answers.

[Sharron]

Thoughtful questions, important reminders that this is far from over...xox

[Catou]

thank you.