As someone who has been in nursing for 33 years, the first half in oncology and the second half in palliative care, I am intimately familiar with the process of grieving. I regularly run into people in the community whose mother, father, sister, brother, spouse, child, I took care of when they were dying. When I see them they usually look at me, they cry, and we hug. Then we talk about stuff. Stuff like how things are going, how much they miss the person who died, how things went at the end, how what they are going through right now is normal... you get the idea.
Well the other day it happened to me. I unexpectedly ran into one of the people from hospice who took care of Angie. She was a nurse who swooped in during a particularly rough spot, at a moment when I really needed help. When I saw her, I initially did okay, then... horror of horrors, when I was telling her how much I appreciated her... I started to cry. Yes, I know it is good for me to experience all this, and it's ok to cry, but lordy. It's hard.
In the last weeks I have been missing Angie a lot. I think about things I would have done differently (knowing I couldn't have at the time), I wish for a 30 minute post-death visit so I can be sure she is doing ok (knowing of course she is doing ok!), and most of all wanting to go pick her up so we can go to Sheridans for a caramel pretzel crunch. I want her to tell me just once more "get me a medium size, not to big and not too little" and "be sure and get me a lid in case I can't finish it all" and "get some napkins you know I always need napkins". Then watching her total enjoyment as she ate it and when she was done hearing her say "oooh that was good".
Grieving is funny business. We all need different things to get through it. I'll tell you right now what is the most helpful to me. Doing blind contour drawings of myself. It makes me laugh like nobody's business.
I think after work on Friday I'll drive over to Sheridans and order up a carmel pretzel crunch. Maybe I'll call ahead and let the people working know they should draw straws to see which one of them is going to get their picture drawn. I'll just keep the part about me not looking while I'm drawing to myself. That would only confuse them.